When Love Hurts: Real Life Story of a Trauma Bond

I want to tell you about my close friend, Ana. She fell deeply in love with someone who, at first, seemed like everything she had ever wanted. 

His name was Mark, and he was charming, attentive, and made her feel like the center of his world. But as time passed, that love started to hurt her more than it healed her.

Ana’s relationship with Mark was more than just toxic – it was a trauma bond. She became emotionally trapped in a cycle of intense highs and painful lows. 

Every time he pulled away or hurt her, she blamed herself. She convinced herself that if she just tried harder, loved him more, or changed the way she acted, things would get better. 

She felt responsible for his happiness, always walking on eggshells to keep the peace. 

The worse he treated her, the stronger her attachment seemed to grow, as if proving her loyalty would finally earn her the love she desperately craved.

At first, she thought she could fix things – fix him. She carried his burdens, made excuses for his mood swings, and convinced herself that if she just loved him enough, he would change. 

But no matter how much she gave, it was never enough. 

When things went wrong, he blamed her. And when he apologized, she forgave him because those moments of tenderness and affection felt euphoric. 

This is a classic trait of miserable man. A man who is toxic and manipulative.

The good times made her believe in him again, but the bad times always returned, worse than before.

I remember the nights she would call me, crying, saying she didn’t know why she felt so stuck. I listened, reassured her that it wasn’t her fault, and gently helped her see the pattern she was trapped in. 

I reminded her that love should not come at the cost of her own well-being. At first, she resisted, she wanted to believe that she could change him. 

But little by little, she started to see that love shouldn’t hurt this much. 

The Link Between Love and Addiction

Watching Ana suffer made me realize that addiction isn’t just about substances – it can also be about people. 

The need for love, or at least the idea of love, can be just as harmful as any chemical dependency.

There are 3 recognizable signs of trauma bonding.

• The Need to Be Needed: Ana believed that Mark needed her, and that made her feel important. She thought she could heal his wounds, but in reality, he was only deepening hers. Every time he struggled, she saw it as a chance to prove her love by supporting him, even at the expense of her own well-being. She was being drained emotionally and she couldn’t protect herself.
• The Highs and Lows: One day, he would shower her with love, making grand promises, and the next, he would withdraw completely, blaming her for things beyond her control. The emotional whiplash was exhausting, but it kept her hooked, hoping for the next moment of warmth. She found herself craving the good times, no matter how fleeting, and dreading the inevitable pain that would follow.
• Craving Validation: Every time he pulled away, she tried harder. She convinced herself that if she could just be a little better, a little more patient, a little less demanding, he would finally love her the way she deserved. She was a empath woman who lost herself in the process, prioritizing his happiness over her own until she barely recognized herself anymore.

Trauma Bond vs. Love – True Love Doesn’t Hurt

Love shouldn’t make you feel worthless. It shouldn’t leave you drained, anxious, or walking on eggshells. 

Watching Ana go through this, I wanted to shake her and tell her, “You don’t have to live like this!”

If you find yourself constantly trying to fix someone, please remember:

• It’s Not Your Job to Save Them: Healing is something only they can choose for themselves.
• Love Shouldn’t Hurt: If someone’s love is causing you pain more often than joy, it’s not love – it’s control.
• Your Worth Isn’t Measured by Their Happiness: You are valuable and deserving of love simply for being you.

How to Break Trauma Bonds?

It took Ana a long time to leave, but she did. She found a therapist who helped her see the cycle for what it was. 

She leaned on real friends, the ones who had been there all along, including me. I continued reminding her that she deserved better, even when she doubted herself. 

It wasn’t easy. There were days she wanted to go back, to believe his apologies, to chase that feeling of love again. 

But slowly, she built a life where she didn’t need to be someone’s savior – she just needed to be herself.

If any of this sounds familiar, please know that breaking free is possible. Healing starts with self-awareness, with recognizing the patterns and refusing to let them define you. 

The opposite of addiction isn’t just sobriety – it’s a meaningful connection. Real, healthy, mutual connection.

You are worthy of love that nurtures, not harms. If my friend could find her way out, so can you. 

You can make the first step today.

More support, more insights

If you’ve recognized any of these traits in you or the people around you, it’s time to take control and protect your or their well-being. 

If this story felt painfully familiar, take it as a sign: it’s time to choose yourself. 

At Heroes’ Stories, you’ll find more real stories, powerful reflections, and insights to help you recognize emotional abuse and reclaim your self-worth.

Healing from a trauma bond is possible – and you don’t have to do it in silence.

If you’re ready to take the next step toward real change, join the waitlist for the MyTAR App.

Inside, you’ll find TAR Quest – the world’s first gamified toxic relationship recovery program, launching soon.

This 3-month journey gives you the tools, guidance, and community to break trauma bonds, restore your identity, and build the kind of love that heals – not harms.

You deserve love that doesn’t hurt – and it starts by taking the first brave step today. 

Join the MyTAR App waitlist and be first to access TAR Quest when it launches.